Leftist Threat Levels

DEFCON 5

The lowest threat level. It signifies that the Leftists are not posing any serious threats to the life, liberty, and property of Americans. Any actions they are taking are merely silly and/or absurd.

Advice: Laugh at them; proceed with you normal routines; enjoy a drink.

DEFCON 4

The second lowest threat level. It signifies that the Leftists may be posing serious threats to the life, liberty, and property of Americans, but we cannot be sure. Any actions they are taking may only still be merely silly and/or absurd.

Advice: Laugh at them but heighten your awareness; proceed with you normal routines but begin to gather intelligence on their actions; still enjoy a drink but may have a second one.

DEFCON 3

The middle threat level. It signifies that the Leftists are posing significant threats to the life, liberty, and property of Americans. Any actions they are taking may be dangerous but are definitely part of their plan to impose socialism on us.

Advice: Continue to laugh at them but fight them; proceed with defensive actions to thwart them; listen to Rush and read National Review Online for further instructions, have a drink but keep the bottle with you.

DEFCON 2

The next-to-highest threat level. It signifies that the Leftists are implementing schemes that definitely threaten the life, liberty, and property of Americans. Any actions they are taking are dangerous and are the imposition of socialism.

Advice: Intensify the fight against them; show mercy, if possible, but not as a policy; proceed with offensive as well as defensive actions to thwart them; listen to Rush and read National Review Online for further instructions, call Mark Steyn for advice; drink straight from the bottle.

DEFCON 1

The highest threat level. It signifies ongoing major actions/attacks on the life, liberty, and property of Americans by the Leftists. Any actions they are taking are dangerous and the imposition of socialism is near complete.

Advice: Do whatever it takes to defeat them; give no quarter; proceed with offensive as well as defensive actions to destoy them; listen to Rush and read National Review Online for further instructions, follow Mark Steyn in all things and do not question his orders; drink straight from the bottle and consume Vicodin.